“That’s what you get for dating Jack Daniels on a Saturday night.”

“My tombstone’s just going to say, ‘I’m FINE.’”

“I want to pet every dog at least once, is that really too much to ask?”

“I just don’t know where to get a band aid on campus. I mean, it’s not like elementary school where you can just go to a nurse.”


“Lord, I ain’t got time for all this traffic.”

“Bro, I gotta tag all the roommates in this girl’s pic. Oh my God.”

“Subway skimped me man. It’s like they cut a 7.5 inch piece out of the footlong and gave me the short side.”

“You don’t eat chicken? You’re not American.”


“I hate when I’m in a public and overhear someone yelling about some drama to their friend, but they leave before they get to the end and it’s like… ‘What did Madison do? I’m all ears!’ ”

“If I fake my death right now, I’ll literally never have to deal with it.”

“I have a bath bomb from the Lush in Jacksonville, but no tub, so I guess I’ll just have to eat it.”

“I told a lady I really liked ghosts and she said ‘are you being serious or are you just saying that in case one is listening.’ ”


“Do you have an ACH account so I can send over that bread?” (ACH is an electronic network for financial transactions in the United States. It stands for Automated Clearing House.)

“I fell asleep while she was on top.”

“I threw up a few times. We was lit, wasn’t nothing major.”

“Living in another universe would be like walking on water. Just pure freedom, dude.”


“There’s people on this campus I wouldn’t want to suck the secondhand air from.”

“My head just exploded, you got my brains all over her. You should feel bad for putting her through such a traumatic experience.”

“You really shouldn’t tell people you dream about stabbing people. Martin Luther King had a dream, too.”

“I’m gonna be in there, praying for God to come down and hand me a piece of paper with the test answers on it.”


“Do you think you’re smarter than a police detective?” “I mean most of the time, yeah.”

“I’m getting a hard on looking at the course work I have to do for advertising.”

“I feel like my life motto is pugs not drugs. Wait just kidding I have ADHD so I guess it would be pugs AND drugs.”

“PSA: No one should wear berets.”


“If you’re under 30, there’s no reason you should be emailing, ever.”

“I am the great sorcerer. There is no match for me.”

“HEY! Shut your mouth. Waffle House is obviously the best, alright?”

“I’ll always remember my first pair of Jordan’s… Ahh.”